Sarah Does Searchlight

By Dawn Pizzorno,

One of the unfortunate byproducts of being someone who is intelligent enough politically to think and vote according to issues rather than arbitrary party lines and vague labels like “liberal” or “conservative” is that, from time to time, in an effort to rail against an issue you’re deeply opposed to you have to work along side people you never would have expected. Politics, as they say, makes for some strange bedfellows. This actually becomes more pronounced the more open-minded and issue oriented you become.

With that said, on March 27th I attended the Tea Party Rally out in Searchlight, Nevada. I was there to protest against Harry Reid’s bid for reelection as well as “Obamacare.” As a result, I found myself in the company of a horde of strange bedfellows, many of whom were there primarily to be a part of what can only be described as a political orgy: the arrival of Sarah Palin. I wish I could say my metaphor was far from reality, however this is not the case. The crowd’s response and demeanor toward the former governor of Alaska was far more reminiscent a screening of “Debbie Does Dallas” than a serious political gathering. Instead, it was “Sarah Does Searchlight” with its very own tagline: “Everyone in the Republican Party scores when her campaign flies!” No, I’m not exaggerating. Yes, it was that obscene.

For those of you unfamiliar with Searchlight, Nevada you might want to pause and check it out on Wikipedia before continuing. It’s a speck about 60 miles south of Las Vegas, with a little under 600 people who live there. The only reason this event was held in a place that was ill-suited to dealing with 10,000 Tea Party Express participants (that’s right, nearly 17 times the actual population living there) is because it’s the birthplace of Harry Reid. Among these 10,000 weren’t just the common folk of southern Nevada either. I met people from states all over the country including Wisconsin, Texas, Colorado, Arizona and Alaska who had either followed the Tea Party all over the USA or who had come specifically to this event from outside Nevada specifically to see Princess Palin speak.

As much as it pains me to admit it, I was genuinely curious as to what was so magnetic about this woman that people would travel to this dead mining town in the middle of the desert from across the USA just to see her talk. That has to count for something, right? I’ve watched the news. I’ve seen the Katie Couric interview. I’ve heard she didn’t know Africa was a continent. I know she loves the word maverick more than anything else in a debate. Fine. However, I’ve never seen her in person though and I’ve never really had a chance to interact with droves of her followers. I know what it is that I can’t stand about her, but I have never really understood what her followers love about her. I guess this was my golden opportunity. I was about to be schooled on the magnetics of Palin.

As I stood next to the stage waiting to see one of the speakers that I had specifically come to see, Ms. Palin’s bus came into view and the crowd began to grow in collective excitement. Part of her sycophantic entourage emerged and moved into the crowd, clearing the way and inspecting the scene to make sure it was fitting. They started barking at people and even made note of the exposed speaker wires on the ground, telling security and stage managers that Ms. Palin couldn’t possibly be expected to walk near or over all those wires or through the dirt. That was it. Princess Palin hadn’t even emerged from her chariot and I’d already had enough of this nonsense. I asked one of the handlers if there was something wrong with this woman. What, she was a heartbeat away from being President and she couldn’t navigate in the dirt to the stage like the rest of us?

Before I got a response, I told them that they should ask some of the eager beaver men in the crowd to take their coats off and lay them in the dirt so Princess Sarah’s feet wouldn’t have to actually touch the dirty ground. (Maybe they could fetch us some rose petals too.) Sometimes, when you ask a question or make a request, it’s meant to be rhetorical—as in, you don’t require or even want an answer. I was being rhetorical here. Sometimes though, someone answers the call anyway and more often than not, it’s a response you probably don’t want.

A young man who was standing near me, in his early twenties and obviously painfully impressionable, stepped forward and said that he would be more than happy to lie down and let Princess Sarah walk over him to the stage. Yes, he said it. He said he would be okay to be Palin’s doormat. The initial shock froze me for a moment, and I paused, gathered myself and then scraped the brains from my exploded skull off the dirt and poured them back into my head. What would make someone want to do that? So, letting my cat like curiosity get the best of me, I foolishly asking him why.

And what was this noble gentleman’s response? “Because she’s so hot and I’d like to do her!”

Really? That’s it? It’s not because this guy thought that she was a champion of freedom or a sort of rebirth of neo-conservatism. Nope. He wanted to “do” her. Fantastic. What more does a person need to be qualified as a political leader? Unfortunately, this was in no way an isolated event. He was met by some satisfactory grunts and cheers from many of the other males in the group. Now I realize a woman who can shoot a gun in stilettos is more than some men can resist but wouldn’t this be better left to a conservative’s dream porn movie viewed in a faux-lesbian bondage nightclub financed by the RNC rather than a legitimate presidential candidate?

(As a side note, I had a friend who worked as an exotic dancer during the 2008 presidential campaign. Any guesses as to what one of the most popular requests for girls to dress up as was at the time? Lap dances from Sarah Palin lookalikes were all the rage apparently.)

To make a long story short, through epic will and tenacity, Ms. Palin did manage to make to the stage and deliver her speech. I can’t say I found myself as enthused or excited during the delivery as her followers since anyone with a brain and not blinded by the hormonal rush of wanting to “do her” could hear that the speech wasn’t so much a speech as it was a robot with a lot of makeup on delivering rote Republican talking points. It was a laundry list of problems with America but lacked any solutions aside from a call for a change in leadership. I had hoped that the passion of this crowd was backed up with some substance and some thought. Alas, I would only be met with disappointment. Sarah Palin is just another Neo-Conservative talking head, but unlike your Glen Beck, Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, guys want to “do her.” That’s it. That’s all the differentiates her from a vast sea of right wing shills on Fox News and conservative talk radio.

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good looking politician myself. In fact, I’ve found that they make the garbage a little easier to swallow—I mean, if you have to swallow it anyway, it’s nicer when the delivery boy is good looking. The problem with Sarah Palin is that’s all she brings to the party, the “do her” vibe and while it’s obviously a powerful thing, it isn’t everything. For instance, I spent some time in this crowd near Brian Sandoval, previously attorney general of Nevada and Federal Judge. Right now he’s running for governor and if he wins, believe me, I will refer to him exclusively as “Governor McDreamy.” How is this any different than the Palin followers? Sandoval, whether you love him or hate him, brings an actual resume to the table. He has some political experience, can deliver sentences that are more than talking points and provides valid reasons that he should be in a political office. He never ditched his own office to go “be a maverick” and doesn’t have a reality TV show. The “McDreamy” portion is just the icing, not the substance.

I’m genuinely curious, since no one at this rally managed to provide anything valid, can anyone out there give me a legitimate reason to like and support Sarah Palin? I really want to know.